I Knew You Were Waiting For Me: What Song Inspires You When Life at the Lowest?

How was your February? Did you accomplish all your goals? Or, did you have a rough month?

They say that January is one of the most depressive or happiest month or oneself. I would classify February the same way too. Although in February, you get more precise about your New Years’ goals and learn from the failures from January. Was February a happy month for you or was it a sad one?

(Warning; This is a long post that is divided into three pages. Music is on the third page;)

Another Hard Month

I don’t post about my personal life here on the blog or anywhere on social media. I am not afraid of sharing my story, but I don’t want people to get the wrong impression about my story. And also, I don’t want to be seen as needy, clingy, or emotionally unstable if I post my sob story on social media.

Last Friday.

6:10 pm.

I left work in tears. I had a bad day as I was sick from a head cold (thanks, early spring allergies?) and the onset of my period. I should have stayed home because when I woke up that morning, I was too tired to do anything. I was also on pain killers and colds, which naturally makes me sleepy. Like, do you have those days where you are so drained and tired that you forgot parts of your day? That was Friday for me. I couldn’t recall the actions I took or some parts of the day.

I also feel pretty lonely. Like I started feeling this way when I had the flu last month. But, it wasn’t the typically home-sick loneliness, I never experience that. It was that loneliness when you feel when no one is there to support you, physically or emotionally. When I was sick with the flu, I cried because I had no one to buy me orange juice, the only thing I wanted that night.

I also feel lonely because no one supports me. I feel like people around me are negative recently. I have been trying to scale back some activities and even quitting organizations that I am in charge of so I can focus on making this blog more public and getting something out it financially. Also, I have been trying to find a Japanese job for the longest time. But, people are like “You are never going to get one because you are the outsider. They will not take you.” Even though, I am fluent in Japanese. I don’t have the skills that they are looking fおr: IT, engineer, science, computers, etc.

I am also tired of the demands of my job. And, the hours that I have to put in for a minimal paycheck. I get only a 45-minute break for lunch for a nine-hour workday where most of it is about teaching. And since I teach preschool, I have either stay after work (which I can never do because I have something after work) or do it during my lunch time if I want to prep lessons.

Because I make very little and have high bills due to making a mistake on my tax forms last year, I am barely surviving. And, it isn’t making my dad happy. He is pressuring me to come back to the US and find a better job because the economy is excellent again. But, as much as I like the US, I have called Japan home for the past seven years and love it here. It teaches me to live simply here. Though I am the outsider, I like it here.

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